Comment from Tamara
Time at 4:05 pm

Hedda, a woman of 58 dies and like everybody she knocks on heavens door to come in. Holy Petrus opens the door and says: “Before you can come in you have to spell the word LOVE”. Because this is quiet easy Hedda can enter.
After some weeks Holy Peter has to do some other important work and says to Hedda: “You have done everything very fine and because I have to leave for a couple of days I want you to control the heavens door.” She feels honored and does her job very well.
When the next day comes up she hears somebody knocking on heavens door in a very demanding way. She opens the door and faces her husband. Both are surprised and he wants to step in but she stops him immediately and says: “When you want to come in you have to spell a word. He agrees with a smile because nothing can be easier. She gets deeply air and says: “Czechoslovakia.”

Comment from Cathy
Time at 1:59 pm

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached one to each rooster. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and scurry on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully this coming election-the bells are not always audible.

Comment from Cathy Staggs
Time at 6:54 pm

Definitions of Heaven and Hell in Europe:

Heaven and each nationality’s occupation:
Italians Cooks
Germans Auto Mechanics
Swiss Bankers
French Lovers
English Police

Hell
Germans Police
Swiss Lovers
Italians Bankers
English Cooks
French Auto Mechanics

Comment from Susan Kaufman
Time at 9:14 pm

(This might be a little crude)

The Perfect Health Course packet would be more informative if it had a scratch ‘n’ sniff card. And think of the donations you could raise from testimonials for clients on “My S**t Doesn’t Stink.com”!

Comment from Mimi Scott
Time at 5:13 pm

Billy Bob and Bubba were siting on the front porch drinking cold ones when a landscape truck carrying a load of sod passed by.
Billy Bob said, “now that’s what I’m going to do when I win the lottery”. “What’s that?” Bubba asked. Billy Bob says, “I’m going to send my lawn out to be mowed.”

Comment from Joey Bernstein
Time at 6:41 pm

I first had the pleasure of meeting David when he was still in high school. That was my first date with his sister Jill, may she rest in peace. As I walked in the door, I was hit by a spitball from the youngest boy Howard. David sat quietly and smiled. At first I thought it was Bob Dillon. His head of hair was larger than a beachball. Hard to believe as that may seem, but it is true. In a relatively quick few months, both Howard and David became my brothers-in-law.

The tragedy that followed 3 1/2 months later with the loss of their sister, and my bride seemed to bring the family closer together than any of us could ever imagine.

Back to David; He was so ahead of his time in his intellect and emotion that most of us did not understand him. His spiritual depth was beyond all of us. The loving and giving man, which he developed into is testimony to his cutting edge thinking and personality.

To some, David seemed to be a typical teenager for the times, yet, somehow I knew, he would turn out “OK.” Well, he certainly exceeded OK, by leaps and bounds.

David is a caring, generous, responsible human being, who has the ability to maintain an even keel personality to go along with his intellect that few people can equal.

When David’s brother Howard called me to tell of the diagnosis and impending surgery, I was, like everyone else… shocked. I cannot help but think about him every day and all my hopes and prayers for his continued, successful fight against this disease will continue.

Everyone who knows him, loves him, as I do.

Joey Bernstein

Comment from parviz
Time at 8:12 pm

Two Garbage Bags
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage
bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while
a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn,” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back, and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me…”

Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?
You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no,’ says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his “whizz” through the fence, I grab it and I say,
‘$20 or off it comes!’”

“OK, that seems only fair,” laughs the cop. “So, good luck.
Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know”, says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

Comment from Bodil
Time at 10:57 am

From real life in Denmark, written by the mother of the small girl. Sitting in the waitingroom in the hospital, the girl with blood all over her face, a fronttooth missing looks up smiling at her mum, saying: “At least I am not having diarrhoea”.

Comment from Wendy
Time at 10:23 pm

Patrick is driving around Dublin, looking frantically for a parking space, as he has an important interview and he’s late. He prays to God…please, if you give me a parking space, I’ll never have another drink in my life. Just then, a car pulls out of a parking spot and Patrick pulls in. He looks up and says…oh, got one…never mind

Comment from Ramachander
Time at 2:39 am

A true devote of God through the thick and thin of his life could never imagine the seperation of the God from himself as he had the firm conviction that God always walked by his side. At the fag end of life he looked back and saw that whenever he was in difficulty there were only one pair of foot prints. This disturbed him and he asked ” Lord you told me when I decided to follow you, you would walk and talk with me all the way. But I am aware that during the most trouble some times of my life there is only one set of foot prints. I just don’t understand why, when I need you most,you leave me. The Lord whispered, ” My precious child I love you and never leave you,never ever, during trials and testings. When you saw only one set of foot prints, it was then I carried you”.

Comment from Kathy Hunter
Time at 2:01 pm

I was driving home yesterday, and “half” listening to a radio interview with Tom Hanks the actor.
The interviewer said, “Well Tom, when you’re not on the set directing and acting in your new movie, what do you like to do when you’re at home?”
Tom replied, Well George when I’m at home just sitting around, I like to scratch my crotch.”
Ha! That certainly got my attention!

Comment from Zoia
Time at 12:37 pm

Some day an old, tired looking dog came into my yard.

The dog wore a collar, it was rather well-fed so I understood that the dog was not homeless and it is well looked after.

The dog approached me quietly, I stroke its head; then it came into the house, crossed slowly a vestibule, curled up in a corner and fell asleep.
Next day it came again, greeted me in the yard, came into the house again and fell asleep on the same place. He slept about an hour.
This had been proceeding for several weeks .

At last, it became so interesting that I attached the sheet of paper with the following message to dog’s collar: “I’d like to know, who is the owner of this fine dog, and whether he knows( you know), that the dog comes to take a nap to me almost every day ?”
The next day the dog came again, and the following answer was attached to its collar:

“The dog lives in the family where there are six children and two of them are not even 3 years old.

So it simply tries to get enough sleep somewhere.
May I come to you tomorrow too?” ))

I wish you that any hand that touches you was healing to you!

Comment from rosy rumpal
Time at 10:39 am

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.

Comment from Kerri – Edmonton
Time at 10:30 pm

My friend’s 6 year old son was showing a new friend around his house. He opened the door to his mother’s meditation room and said to his friend, ” I don’t know why she needs a whole room for one tiny cushion”.

Comment from Peter Bogin
Time at 9:54 pm

What did one Hurricane say to the other,”’I am keeping My eye on You”.Ha HA Ha Happy Love Dave. Thoughts of Love and Happiness Keep Dave Alive in Positive.

Comment from Laurie Sudol
Time at 7:00 pm

What do you have when you’ve got two little green balls in your hands? Kermit’s undivided attention

Comment from Sonnia Valverde
Time at 3:10 pm

un hombre va al doctor ; Doctor dice , digame de que padese? el hombre contesta, bueno yo tengo problemas en el vaso, problemas de cataratas, el Doctor contesta, pues usted no nesecita un doctor si no un PLOMEROOOO!!! hahaha

Comment from Tia
Time at 2:16 pm

A boy was upset and reported to his mother, “Mom, Dad made me give up my seat for a woman on the bus today and I had to stand for the whole 30 minute bus ride.” His mother responded…”but, it was good for you to give up your seat for a lady. That is was good boys and good men do.” The boy responded, “I guess that makes Dad a bad man because I was sitting on his lap and he did not give his seat up to the woman for the whole ride.”

Comment from Nancy Fox
Time at 1:52 pm

Very Funny, i laughed out loud, no on around so i called my sons and told them.Thank You very much

Comment from Jody
Time at 1:07 pm

Joke: There were 5 passengers on an airplane that was going down, and only 4 parachutes. The passengers were Hillary Clinton, Deepak Chopra, Coby Bryant, a little 12 year old girl, and an old man. Coby Bryant said that he should get a parachute because for him to die would be too great a loss, so he grabs a chute and jumps out, the next passenger Deepak Chopra says, well I can’t die the world needs me too much, so he grabs a chute and jumps out, then Hillary Clinton grabs the parachute from the little girls hands and says, I am just too important to die now, and she jumps out, the old man says to the little girl, you have your whole life to live, so you take the parachute. The little girl says, no we still have 2 parachutes for us, the lady grabbed my back pack!